Ever ask yourself why you don’t have the dream body you’ve always wanted? Did you tell yourself you’re doing the right thing? Setting aside 1 meal a week to be your “cheat” meal? Is it really just 1 day a week? Well, we’ve done the work for you and laid out ALL of your “cheat” meals for 2015.
Jan. 1st: New Years Day
Reason: It’s the day after a lot of heavy drinking and partying. Of course you need to have that take-out Chinese dish/pizza/fried chicken to help you in your quest to combat being hungover.
Jan. 19th: MLK Day
Reason: It’s a day off from work in remembrance of one of the greatest Americans to ever live. Or it’s a day to binge eat while watching your favorite show on Netflix.
Feb. 2nd: Ground Hogs Day
Reason: 6 more weeks of winter every frickin’ year. Console your sadness with something deep-fried and covered in chocolate. And wine…don’t forget the wine.
Feb. 14th: Valentine’s Day
Reason: Nothing says “I love you” like a box of highly processed chocolate and enough added sugar to give a 3rd world country Type 2 diabetes.
Feb. 17th: Mardi Gras (aka Fat Tuesday)
Reason: I think this is self-explanatory. What’s a better way to begin a self-reflecting 40 day “fast” from something you love than a day completely dedicated to doing all the bad things before it begins.
Feb. 19th: Chinese New Year
Reason: You’re not Chinese. Your descendants weren’t Chinese. You don’t know a single thing about Chinese history. Hell, New Years just happened less than 50 days ago! But you’ll be damned if you don’t order Chinese food in honor of this holiday.
March 6th: Employee Appreciation Day
Reason: The day your boss buys pizza and cake for the whole office to show you how much they appreciate you. Oh, admit it. You want a raise but that pizza is just too damn tempting!
March 17th: St. Patrick’s Day
Reason: Everyone is Irish and Catholic on this day. Honor your ‘heritage’ with lots of alcohol and cornbeef.
March 29th: Palm Sunday
Reason: It’s a holy day on a Sunday. That’s more than enough reason to have brunch right after services. And who doesn’t eat a lot at brunch?
April 3rd: Good Friday
Reason: You can’t eat meat but you’ll more than make up for it with enough fish to make a whale jealous. They had fried fish back in the day, correct?
April 4th: Passover
Reason: It’s like the Jewish version of Thanksgiving. You may not be Jewish but you definitely know someone who is and will inevitably be invited over for a coma inducing feast. Don’t worry. You’ll do it all over again the very next day.
April 5th/6th: Easter Sunday/Monday
Reason: Resurrection + Eggs + Rabbits = Chocolate….lots and lots of chocolate.
April 15th: Tax Day
Reason: You just slaved away the night before getting all your taxes in order. Either you’re getting a return or owing money you don’t have. In either case you’re going to comfort your feelings or celebrate with lots of drinks and food tonight. Your brain burned a bunch of calories crunching those numbers.
May 5th: Cinco De Mayo
Reason: No, it’s NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. It’s actually celebrated by 1 state in Mexico and very few Mexican Americans. But this is like St. Patrick’s Day. You’re not Mexican but you’re not passing up tacos and tequila. No sir.
May 10th: Mother’s Day
Reason: It’s Mother’s Day. It’s. Mothers. Day.
May 25th: Memorial Day
Reason: Honor those who have fallen in defense of this country with bbq, burgers, hot dogs, and beer. MERICA’!
June 21st: Father’s Day
Reason: Similar to Mother’s day but instead of wine it’s more beer and liquor.
July 4th: Independence Day
Reason: Flags and fireworks are not complete without a huge grille out and some brewskis. Once again, MERICA’!
Sept. 7th: Labor Day
Reason: You miiiight have the day off. If so, do the right thing. Eat whatever you want b/c you honestly have no idea what this holiday is about any way.
Sept. 14th: Rosh Hashana (aka Jewish New Year)
Reason: Who really wants to wait until Jan. 1st to celebrate the New Year? Time to drink!
Oct. 12th: Columbus Day
Reason: Technically, this shouldn’t be a holiday. We all know what really happened. But those restaurant discounts are just too damn good to pass up. Long live the guy who got lost!
Oct. 31st: Halloween
Reason: A holiday where we lobotomize a pumpkin and gorge on candy. That’s. About. It.
Nov. 11th: Veteran’s Day
Reason: There’s probably more restaurant deals on this day than all other days combined. If you’re a vet, enjoy! If you’re not, still enjoy!
Nov. 26th: Thanksgiving
Reason: The 1 day holiday that turns into a 4 day gorge fest of turkey, pumpkin pie, and more sides than a octagon.
Nov. 27th: Black Friday
Reason: The biggest shopping day of the year. You’re going to have to load up on carbs to fight through the local mall to get the last pair of size 18 jeans from Guess.
Dec. 7th: Chanukah
Reason: Light some candles. Eat some chocolate and potatoes. For 8 days straight.
Dec. 25th: Christmas
Reason: One of the only religious holidays recognized by the Federal government making it a mandatory day off from work. The only things open are movie theaters and Chinese restaurants. So open presents, eat a big meal, and watch ‘A Christmas Story’. Or go eat Chinese food and watch a movie.
Dec. 31st: New Years Eve
Reason: This year is ending. Need to send it off with a large dinner and tons of alcohol. Makes sense, right?
That makes a total of 28 days of “cheating” on your diet, conservatively. Now, let’s factor in 1 of your official “cheat” days per week making another 52 days a year you fall off the wagon. Total days = 80.
Oh, we’re not done yet. Factor in your birthday, your friends birthdays, your kids birthdays, parents, relatives, etc. Then, add in any days you go out with friends for dinner (be honest, you’re not exactly ordering a healthy salad). How about a quick lunch during the workweek? Sunday brunch? Oh date night, don’t forget date night.
By now we can safely assume you’ve reached over 100 days of “cheat” meals. That means every 3 days you’re “cheating” on your diet. If something happens every 3 days it’s not “cheating”.
It’s a habit.
– Joshua Jarmin